Perpetually Human Part II
by mont-blank
Summary: Sequel to Perpetually Human: Carson reevaluates his choices.
1. Chapter 1

Her heart felt light and joyful. It had taken enough to get him to the beach, she'd practically had to beat him over the head with clues, but he got it in the end and the payoff was well worth the effort. When she had offered him her hand in the water, she had been partially teasing him, she hadn't fully expected him to accept it but was glad that he had. Their little paddle through the waves, hand in hand had given her a floating happy feeling that seemed to be carrying her even now as they walked along the beach.

So she wasn't angry with him then. She had seemed herself during working hours every day since their-well he wasn't sure even now what to call it. Their encounter? Their conversation-their kiss? He had dreamt about that kiss; it had brought him such a mix of melancholy pain and hopeful joy that he was left constantly just on the cusp of contentment. He wanted to do it again and again and again, he wanted to kiss her until his lips bled. He had always understood, in theory, the poetry and the songs about a woman's rose petal lips, but now his understanding was more intimate. His understanding of the beauty of a lover's kiss was a knowledge that drove him, at time it seemed, to insanity. After the kiss, she had been herself during working hours, yes, but it had taken a very long time for her to visit his pantry in the evenings again.

Sometimes as he sat at his desk only half concentrating on his work he would hear the faintest sound of someone walking to his door, he would see the shadow of her feet, but she would not knock, she would not enter, she wouldn't even stand very long, she would think better of it and leave. She tore his heart out every time she did so, but he supposed that she was giving no less than he had asked for. He had held his head in his hands and asked himself, too many times, why he could not have just told her that he loved her. He realized all too late that he hadn't answered her when she asked if he loved her; he hadn't said yes because he assumed she already knew. He dreamed it a thousand times and a thousand different ways since then-saying "Of course I do. How could I not?", taking her in his arms and kissing her again, kissing her and, even sometimes, in his wilder fantasies making love to her-but none of his imagined scenarios were the truth. The truth of the matter was that he had been a coward and told her that he was not allowed-like a dog on a leash-he was held back from loving her. As he looked at her now, her face rosy and beautiful in the afternoon sun, he knew that was the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

Yes she was beautiful, of course she was beautiful, but what did beauty matter in the end? Beauty was temporary; physical beauty faded over time, it was the kindness of her heart that he loved, the warmth of their friendship. Just as he had begun to think along that path she looked at him, one eyebrow raised and said "You're rather a mystery today, Mr. Carson."

"What do you mean?"

"You've hardly said a word since we came out of the water."

"Haven't I? I suppose I'm a bit wrapped up in my thoughts today."

"Thoughts of what, may I ask?"

He took a few seconds to figure out how to phrase his thoughts. "You and I..." he began "are rather good friends… aren't we, Mrs. Hughes?" He looked at her face when he spoke, and the smile that spread across it proved his previous train of thought to be rather ill-supported. If beauty faded with age and if, as she had said, they were both "getting on" then she should be somewhat less of a pleasure to behold by now, but that was not the situation as he saw it. Perhaps beauty wasn't important in love, but in the case of his love beauty was certainly extremely present.

"I daresay we are, Mr. Carson" He could hear the lightness in her tone; she was thinking it was a silly thing to remark on. He was sure it sounded that way, but he wasn't sure how to proceed, he was thinking of all of the very thoughtful things she had done for him in the time they had been acquainted, even the things he-at the time-wished she had not done, but had turned out so well. The most recent example, proving again that she usually knew what was best (far better than he did anyway) being what she had done for Grigg, and for himself …with Alice.

"You've been rather a better friend to me than I have been you lately, and I can't help but feel that…" he stopped walking, and she looked at him, silently encouraging him to finish his sentence "…I can't help but think that I don't deserve you, Mrs. Hughes." at that she looked surprised and incredulous.

"My my" she smiled "I can't say I haven't had that thought myself, Mr. Carson." And she continued strolling, knowing full well he would follow "And yet you have me" she looked up at him as they strolled "I would venture so far as to say that you and I are quite stuck with one another for the rest of our days, so long as neither of us tries to leave again." She teased.

"Is that really how you feel? Stuck with me?"


	3. Chapter 3

She laughed. She laughed the small, short, melancholy laugh of someone who is resigned to the ridiculous. She couldn't help it, it just happened, and now, she supposed, she had either to be honest or to try and think of lie to save herself the trouble. But she was exhausted with trying to save face "Of course it is. You won't love me, and I won't leave you." They both knew that she didn't stay only for him, but they both knew that if she left, he would be the hardest person for her to say goodbye to, she was sure that on some level that his humility refused to openly acknowledge that he knew that. She looked at his sad, handsome eyes, wondering how he would react.

"I do love you." He said, finally "I didn't say it before. I didn't say it that night in your sitting room, but I meant to."

She felt the hot sting of tears behind her eyes, and felt suddenly angry with him. "What's the point of saying it now?"

It seemed she'd opened the flood gates.

"I've wanted to say it to you more times than I can recall, but the truth is that I am a coward, Elsie." He opened and closed his mouth, looking lost, searching for words. "You see, the family, they need me. You don't. You don't need me."

She opened her mouth to say something but she found herself unable to put her frustration with his "reason" into words, and closed it again. In her silence he continued trying to explain himself. "What can I ever be to you?"

She felt so exhausted with his doubt and his riddles. "What do you mean?"

"I'm a _butler_" he stressed the word "my work has no value outside of the family I serve. _They _need me, I have something to give to them, but you… What can I ever give to you? What have you ever needed from another person? How can I possibly be of any value to you?"

She could hardly decide if she wanted more to slap him across the face or to kiss him. Was that all? Was that really all? Had he kept her in agony all these years because he could see no material value in what he had to give her? She was so relieved. She was so annoyed. She would actually have to spell it out for him. How could he be so wonderful and so very stupid at the same time? "Freedom" was the word that leapt to the forefront of her mind "from this binding loneliness that I feel living so close to you every day, but always being kept at arm's length." She watched the words sink in before she continued with a lighter tone "and a kiss once in a while wouldn't go amiss".


	4. Chapter 4

A kiss? Had she really said that out loud? Out here? "I wasn't imagining it earlier, then? You really are getting to be a little risqué."

She laughed again, and looked into his eyes "I suppose I am. But like I said, we're not getting any younger, Mr. Carson, it's about time we started really living our lives."

"Don't you feel like you have been living?"

"I've been alive, I'm not sure it's the same."

"Have I really made you that unhappy? With the way I've behaved?"

She looked away, not wanting to answer, and in doing so, said everything.

"I've felt alive" He continued "Every year that I've spent at your side has been one I've been grateful for. I suppose I had convinced myself that you were as happy as I was, just to live side by side. I've been very happy to share this life with you."

"I'm not like you, Mr. Carson. I'm afraid I don't have quite your penchant for restraint." She teased.

"Ah well" He said, deepening his voice and straightening his posture "We can't all excel in every field, Mrs. Hughes" the corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly. She felt warm and buoyant, but not wholly at ease yet.

"So what shall we do with all of these declarations? Because, I'll be honest, if I'm forced to shut myself away again I don't know what will happen, I don't think I could cope with it."

"No" he agreed, a note of solemnity in his voice "and it would be very unkind of me to ask you to… unkind to both of us." He thought for a moment "Well it isn't as if we can exactly walk out is it?"


	5. Chapter 5

"What?" She looked amused and a little puzzled.

"Well if we're not putting our feelings to the side anymore then, logically speaking, the next step is courtship."

"And you don't feel we're a little old for it?" She half smiled, she was teasing him again, always teasing him.

"Are you saying you wouldn't want to go to the pictures with me if we could swing it?"

She chuckled "And how would we swing it? As you've said, it's not as if it would be easy, you and I taking the same day off. "

"It's not unheard of" he offered.

"Oh yes, we shall be able to take a private moment on our own about twice a year, this moment included."

"Ah…" She had a very good point there, he thought "Well we have our evenings, our conversations… although… the idea of courting a woman… alone in one of my private rooms, in the evening, with wine-"

"And you say I'm the risqué one" she smiled. She watched him think and try to devise a plan as they strolled. To be honest, she wasn't sure that she needed courtship, they'd been each other's closest confidant for so many years, they were as close as a married couple already. She didn't need him to take her to the pictures, and to ply her with little gifts, but, keeping with the theme of honesty, she would rather like him to do all of those things. There were certain benefits to feeling like a young girl again; she rather imagined a bit of something new would be good for the soul, and being courted by Mr. Carson would certainly be something new.

"Perhaps" he said "if I were to…." he looked at her, as if for permission "explain to his Lordship-to say that we have no desire to take advantage-that we merely wish to…" he trailed off, looking agitated.

She prompted him "Perhaps if we were to…" he didn't continue "not take advantage of what?"

"His kindness. He allowed Anna and Bates to marry, and to live on the estate, but you and I" he locked eyes with her "we're essential, we must be in the house all the time, and aside from that I wouldn't want to seem impertinent, asking for a repeat of something that was so clearly an exception made for a special circumstance."

"I see" she did see; it was a very difficult situation. The most obvious, immediate answer would be for her to surrender her post as housekeeper and become simply Mrs. Carson, living out her remaining decades as merely someone's wife with no purpose outside of her marriage-no-she was being too crass. That wasn't true of other women, they had plenty of purpose when they put their minds to it, but most of those women had children, or had the potential to have children. She was under no illusions, she would not be having any children, that time had passed. She refused, simply would not consider becoming an old dear who pottered about the house, waiting for her husband to come home; she hadn't worked hard her whole life to give up her accomplishments for that. She loved him, but did she love him enough to put herself through all of that? Had she been very stupid to push things do far? Should she have just kept quiet and been happy with her lot? As she looked at his face, twisted up in puzzlement and agitation, she suspected she should have just kept quiet.


End file.
